I went to sleep in tears last night.

After putting CG to bed, I just started crying. The tears were pouring out, more than I thought possible. I turned out the lights, crawled in bed and just let them flow. I cried myself to sleep. I can’t remember the last time I did that. Even with all my tools to not let it in and have something to do with the energy (protection and grounding). I became completely overwhelmed by it all. The tragic helicopter crash and all the energy surrounding it. The devastating moment that took the lives of Kobe Bryant, his daughter Giana, and 7 others. The crash that altered the lives of so many. 

One of my main empath lines of defense is limiting my access. But in this case, that has been beyond challenging. Every time I get on the computer, instagram, FB, there it is. We have a no news in the tv house rule, we don’t even have cable. So I thought I could avoid it for a bit detaching from my phone and computer. But yesterday morning, I walked into the kitchen and Mike was listening to news of it on his computer. Then CG and I got into the car with him, and he was in there listening to it too. He respectfully turned it down and off for me both times. Then I got on the train and overheard several conversations about it. Walking around Chicago you could see it on tvs. In an elevator, I overheard a conversation putting down Kobe’s character. Reminders everywhere, access everywhere. So many people feeling it everywhere. And it got all the way in, past my first several lines of defenses. 

As empaths we have a unique ability to put ourselves in others’ shoes. Basically that means feeling as if we are that person or going through their experience. We have the ability to imagine what it would be like and feel like. So many of us are empathizing like crazy with the families that are left behind, completely torn apart. We imagine what it would be like to have lost a child, a sister, a partner, a mother, a friend when we think about the tragedy and all the lives it took. I keep imagining myself in Vanessa’s shoes and my heart feels it. Just as anytime I hear of a mother losing a child. Or a child gone missing. I keep imagining myself in Kobe’s shoes in those last moments and empathizing for what that must have been like. I see him holding Gigi close, heart to heart, her face buried in his chest, his protective arms around her, Imaging what those last words must have been like, him telling her that it’s going to be ok, that he loves her. 

My own trauma from when I thought I was watching my daughter die in my arms keeps flooding back in. Remembering her seizure that happened just 6 months ago. Remembering the wrenching pain in my chest. And how that experience changed me as a person, as a mother. 

I’ve found myself triggered by the emphasis on social media on Kobe’s character. I don’t want my legacy to be about what I did on my worst fucking day. I believe he changed and grew. That he did a LOT of good for the world, that he made a difference, that he was an incredible father and friend. That he didn’t let that define who he could be and what he could accomplish. I’m like that in a way too. I’ve made huge mistakes in my life, and when I die people will say what they want of me, heck they can now. But I refuse to let my past control and dictate my future. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I believe in redemption. I believe in forgiveness. 

Grief and death and a person’s life and what it’s worth and how loss impacts us isn’t a perfect formula of right and wrong. Life is messy and confusing and can be really freaking uncomfortable. It is also beautiful and full of healing and again, I believe in forgiveness and redemption.

I also respect everyone’s ability to have their own perspective and feelings and experience. 

I’m sad. I’m sad for everyone hurting. I’m sad for myself and the way it’s impacting me. I’m sad for the people that are being told they can’t grieve this man how they want to because of something terrible he did 17 years ago. I’m sad for the trauma the whole thing is bringing up in so many of us from our pasts. I’m sad that so many of us are facing thoughts of our worst fears in the future… what if I lost my family. Then what? How would I go on? I’m sad for the people that are hurting the most by all of this. The families and friends of those that passed. 

I woke up crazy early this morning deeply aware of my discomfort, the pit in my stomach, the tightness in my chest, the constriction of my breath, the weight of my limbs. I thanked God for those in my life, for my beautiful daughter, that we still have more time in these bodies together. I thought of those that I love that aren’t here anymore. And I thanked God that I’m still so connected to them. 

I also thank God for this work I do and that I have tools. Hard to imagine what those that aren’t aware of their tools are doing for comfort right now. It can be super draining and overwhelming to be so sensitive, to be an empath. We can have all the grounding and protection and boundaries in the world, but we will still absorb the stuff. Grateful I had this morning solo to process and cleanse and release and reset. It’s all another confirmation of my work in this world and why it’s so necessary. We all deserve the tools to deal, to cope, to heal, to fucking thrive. 

Life is short. Too short to waste regretting what I did and didn’t do. Too short to play small. Too short to hide. Too short to wait. Too short to take for granted. Too short to risk being uncomfortable. Too short to not figure it out. Too short to leave things unsaid and undone. Too short to wait for someone else to give me permission. Too short to not fully live. Too short to withhold love and compassion. 

Feeling a push to be kind, grateful, loving and do what I came here to do… now. 

Grateful for this powerful image and the constant reminders that our souls love on.

Thank you for the space to express myself. If you desire a nonjudgmental space to express what you’re feeling as well, I’m here. 

Big Hugs!