Scariest Moment of My Life

I experienced the scariest moment of my life. Tears from the memory replaying in my mind. Tears in gratitude that everything is ok. Tears for the divine protection and timing.

We got home from the show yesterday afternoon and noticed CG was warm. I dismissed it bc She was acting completely fine, happy and her normal talkative self. She did go down for a nap though, which is super uncommon lately. She woke up cranky and while having a snack on the couch I kissed her forehead and noticed she was hot. Mike confirmed it. Sometimes they feel warm and you just know this is mild and don’t need to check it. But this one felt different... hotter... Our thermometer went missing in the move, so I was texting 2 of my neighbors to see if anyone had a thermometer I could borrow. Just before sending, I looked up and CG was laying back on a throw pillow with the color drained from her body, eyes rolled back in her head, making a gurgling sound in her throat. I screamed for Mike to call 911 as I leaped from my couch to hers. He’s there in a flash, starting to question, wanting to help, and again CALL 911 NOW and he does. Instantly running through my mind what could this be. She was breathing-ish. Labored and shallow but there. She wasn’t shaking, didn’t seem to be choking. I grabbed her and she was completely unresponsive. I hear the 911 dispatcher asking for the address, again. And I scream get the ambulance here now, my baby is dying. And that’s exactly what I thought I was happening. I thought I was watching her die. Right there. In my arms. And I was completely helpless. The only other time I’ve heard that gurgling breathing was with Izzy, after she was brought back from CPR and was fading away.

Her eyes started closing and I was pleading for her to stay with us. While this is all going on I carried her in my arms outside. Like maybe someone was out there that knew what was happening, that knew how to help. I’m praying the ambulance gets there quickly. Praying for divine protection and intervention. Time slowed all the way down. I remember thoughts of who in the neighborhood can I go to? Is there a doctor or nurse? Thoughts of hearing stories about ambulances taking a long time in unincorporated areas like this. Thoughts of people I know that have tragically lost there children. More prayers that I won’t know there pain. Was this my worst fear coming true?

I head the dispatcher ask if she’s choking, I try to look in her mouth, but her teeth were clenched. At this point I think she may not be breathing the gurgling paused. She was bluish around her mouth. I run my finger across her teeth and then she started vomiting all over me and herself. The dispatcher says lay her down flat in her back. I put her in the grass. Leaning over her. She’s breathing and doing the light gurgling in her throat thing again. Unresponsive to her name. To my voice. I see a neighbor driving by waving and I put up a distress signal. We are not ok. As he pulls in his driveway, I think did he see my panic, is he coming to help? I hear the dispatcher say turn her head to the side. Go 2 inches down from her neck and push with the heel of hand. I do and she coughs. He wants me to start compressions. I’m confused, but all my CPR training was a blur. I couldn’t remember any of it. That first compression with the cough, was the first moment I see signs of life coming back to her. But she couldn’t see me, she couldn’t hear me. Her breathing was off. Her coloring was off. Laying there in the grass, with bugs coming in from all directions for a bite. I see the neighbor running over, I hear sirens in the distance and getting closer. I see my baby and praying that she hangs on. Stay with me. Stay with us. I’m thinking wtf is going on. I’m leaning over her pushing on her chest again as directed and the first guy gets off the fire truck, looks like a boss... a chief... in a diff uniform than the rest. He comes to me for update, the ones in blue... or was it black,
surround her. After I tell the story I ask if I can go with her in the ambulance. He says yes but they need a couple minutes with her in there first. I look at my shirt covered in the memory of the moment she threw up and ran inside to grab a new one, her empty backpack (weird choice, but I was moving quickly and all my previous clear headedness became a temporary blur) and my phone. I ran back out I don’t know if I’ve ever moved so fast. I see the one in white again and break down. So grateful they were there. That she was getting help. Scared still. So scared. Getting hysterical processing that I had thought she was dying in my arms. I’m getting cues that I’m not going to be able to be with her if I don’t calm down. And so I do.

The guys in the back are asking for me, bc CG was coming back to this planet and was scared. I lay down on the stretcher and she hold her. She was shivering and whimpering and super lethargic. My calm becomes a force. I’m able to explain to CG where we are and where we’re going. How fun the ambulance ride was. She could only respond with slight nods and head shakes, but wanted me to sing songs and ended up communicating that she was sleeping with her eyes open. I knew during the ride, even though she was in a sleeping with eyes open state that she was ok and wasn’t leaving me.

It was a febrile seizure. Not uncommon for littles. There’s a 2/3 chance she may get one more or many more. We were told you can’t prevent or predict them. But thankfully, I’ll be much more educated about how to react next time. Which is to lay her on her side and check the time. Call after 5 minutes, if still going. And if I need to call earlier, bc I panic and forget everything or struggling to see her like that... it’s ok too.

Breathing and counting my blessings today.

Mike and I have been holding each other tight. And of course holding her. It’s been an emotional journey for all of us. And we’re still holding some serious healing space for her. She’s in and out of fever now back home. Resting and getting all the tlc.

So thankful divine timing lined up over and over. So that we were home and not still 2 hours away. I was in the same room as her and paying attention. The ambulance and fire truck just happened to be a few minutes away after another call. A series of everything lining up.

Special thanks to Eddie from DGFD who rode with us in the ambulance, took incredible care of her and held space for me so I could sing the songs and help shift the energy. And Alex for ride there with sirens on. The incredible, kind and patient nurse Tasha was beyond fantastic. And Dr Kim who eased our fears and stayed an extra 3 hours after his shift to see us through to test results and discharge. Our neighbors for leaving get well notes for CG on our door (those made Mike and I both cry... again). And of course, our team Above for surrounding us with divine love and protection and putting all these incredible helpers and healers on our path.

Saw this rainbow on the way home. A beautiful and comforting sign. So very grateful. Not taking a moment for granted.